Lebanese Gays Come Quietly Out of Closet

BEIRUT: In some countries in the Arab world homosexuals can face the death penalty. But in Lebanon an association battles openly for the rights of gays who may live freely but are still ostracized socially. "Beirut is a bubble of freedom for homosexuals," said Georges Azzi, coordinator for the Helem (Dream) Association, the Arab world's first gay grouping. "Homosexuals have much more freedom and are more visible than in any other Arab state," he told AFP. "This is undoubtedly because Lebanese society is heterogeneous at all levels - political, religious and cultural - and used to differences," he said about the country's 18 religious communities.Homosexuals are generally stigmatized and penalized across the Arab world, with penalties ranging from death to flagellation and imprisonment. Either banned by law or religion, homosexuality may be punishable by the death penalty in Mauritania, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and the United Arab Emirates. But with its trendy gay-friendly bars and nightclubs, Beirut has become a favorite destination for wealthy Arab homosexuals fleeing restrictions at home.

Founded in 2004, Helem collaborates with the ministry of health to fight against the spread of the HIV virus that can cause AIDS and openly lobbies for the legal rights of homosexuals.

Homosexuality is not specifically illegal in Lebanon, but gays can be targeted under article 543 of the penal code which provides for prison terms of up to one year for sexual relations "against nature".

A petition filed by a Beirut city councillor in 2006 seeking prosecution of Helem was rejected by the attorney general's office, which ruled that just because the gay rights group had an office and a website this did not mean it was breaking the law. "In the beginning journalists used to come and see us, like one would go to the zoo," said Azzi. "But today we have become known and respected.

This evolution has also been seen in the language used to refer to gays. "In the Lebanese media we used to be called 'perverts' and 'deviants' but now they just call us 'homosexuals'," Bilal, an official at Helem who did not wish to reveal his family name, told AFP. But if Lebanon seems outwardly more permissive than other Arab countries, homosexuals can still live in shame, fear of scandal and social exclusion.Seen from the outside, Lebanon is a liberal country which respects personal freedoms," Linda Shartouni Zahm, a researcher in social psychology at the Lebanese University, said. "But we are the prisoners of others' views - of the family, religion and an authoritarian patriarchal system," she said. "There are homosexuals who receive death threats from members of their own families, others who are expelled from school or some who have to leave Lebanon," she said.Some homosexuals in the country lead double lives. "Personally I refuse to remain in the closet, but I am an exceptional case," said 37-year-old Jean, criticising "people who are gay on Saturday night, but pretend they are not during the family lunch on Sunday" When he was 19, Jean told his father that he was a homosexual. "His reaction was to tell me: 'OK, get married, have children and live your sexual life in parallel - discreetly'," he said. "He gave me examples of people he knew who lived exactly likethat," Jean said.

Shartouni Zahm explained that "having descendants and children is very important here. And the Lebanese mother always dreams of marrying her daughter off." As for lesbians, they have double the trouble. "Make no mistake - Lebanon is a country of macho and conservative people where women are considered inferior and are discriminated against," said 25-year-old Nadine, a member of Meem association that supports lesbian rights. "The Lebanese want to show the Arab world that they are open-minded. But most youngpeople generally carry the conservative ideas of their parents," she said. "If my parents do not let me go out it is not because I am gay, it's because I'm a woman." - AFP

I Think I Might Be Lesbian, Now What Do I Do?

What Does It Mean to Be Lesbian?
Lesbians are women who love women. Lesbians are sexually attracted to other women and their sexual feelings toward other women are normal and natural for them. Lesbians say they feel emotionally and spiritually closer to women and prefer intimate relationships with women. Experts estimate than about one out of 10 people may be lesbian or gay, and many historically famous women were lesbians. Lesbians include teachers, doctors, lawyers, factory workers, police officers, politicians, ministers, movie stars, artists, mothers, nuns, truck drivers, models, and novelists. Lesbians are white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American. They may be Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, or Buddhist. Lesbians may be rich, poor, working class, or middle class, young or old. Some lesbians are in heterosexual marriages. Some lesbians are disabled.


How Do I Know if I'm Lesbian?
I had always been attracted to girls. I remember having crushes [on girls] since the third grade though I didn't consider myself a lesbian. In the third grade, I didn't even know what a lesbian was. It didn't dawn on me until the seventh grade that… hey, I'm a lesbian. Kristine, Michigan, age 16Well, knowing was never the question. It was accepting it that was [the question]. I started being attracted to girls at age seven, so I knew that I wasn't straight. It just took me a while to say to myself, I'm a lesbian and I'm okay. Lenore, Illinois, age 16During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings and to take an interest in dating. Many young women feel physically attracted to men. But other young women feel physically attracted to women. You may notice that you feel "turned on" by other women. You may feel different from your girlfriends, like you don't fit in sometimes. When your girlfriends are checking out the guys, you may find yourself checking out other women. Going out with men may not interest you. You may find yourself wondering, "Why aren't there any men like these terrific women I keep meeting?"You may also feel confused or unsure about whether or not you're a lesbian. You may feel confused because you're attracted to both men and women, and that's okay. Some women have relationships with both men and women throughout their lives. Some women eventually decide to be exclusively lesbian or exclusively heterosexual. Sexuality usually develops over time, so don't worry if you aren't sure.


Am I Normal?
People tend to focus on the sex part of homosexuality … that's what they picture. They don't understand that there is love involved, too. Whoever you fall in love with, that is normal sexuality. Normal is in the eye of the beholder.Kristine, Michigan, age 16Normal is different for every individual. I cannot dictate someone else's life, body, or anything else by my standards. I tend to laugh at people who are close-minded. Also, I speak up in school when anyone makes the slightest homophobic comment.Rachel, Maryland, age 17Yes, you are normal. Many people are lesbian. Many experts agree that a person's sexual orientation is determined at a young age, even as early as birth. It's normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're gay or straight. What's really important is learning to like yourself.

What Is It Like to be Young and Lesbian?
Difficult—some days I don't want to be gay. But, I just love women too much to ever dream of hiding it again.Red, Australia, age 20I used to be confused by that part of my personality; but, through time, it became a very important and precious part [of me]. It is hard to deal with other people, but at least I'm not lying and that makes me feel good. I have a right to be who I am, and I am willing to fight for it. This is not to say that it s been easy, because at times it s unbearable, but if I could change my sexual orientation, I would not.Jessie, New York, age 16There's no right way or wrong way to be a lesbian. Growing up with society's stereotypes about lesbians might make you think you have to be a certain way if you're a lesbian. Your sexual orientation is only one part of who you are. You probably have hobbies and interests that are the same as those of some of your straight friends. Homophobia means some people don't accept lesbians and gay men, and lesbian and gay people often suffer from discrimination and violence. That's why there are many gay and lesbian organizations that work for gay and lesbian civil rights.

What about HIV/AIDS?
I believe that if you're going to have sex, have it safely even if you are a lesbian. I am a virgin. But, if I was with someone and we were having sex, it would be protected sex. Before we did that though, we'd both get tested, and if she refused, then maybe I should rethink being with her.April, Michigan, age 16I insist on safer sex. Despite the rumor that dykes are indestructible, I m not taking any chances. I always tell my partner, up-front, that I demand safer sex.Rayne, Pennsylvania, age 17My principle is, if you're not ready to talk about safer sex with your partner, then you're probably not ready to have sex. It's imperative to know the risks you may be encountering.Annie, Minnesota, age 17Everyone should know about HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, how it's transmitted, and how to prevent infection. You and your partner should discuss your risk factors and hers for HIV infection and decide what safer sex methods to use. Lesbians who are at risk are those who:
Share needles if using injection drugs
Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms (Remember that it's fairly common for young lesbians to have sexual contact with men at least occasionally.)
Have oral sex with an infected woman without using barrier protection.
Here's how to reduce your risk of HIV infection and other STIs.
Do not shoot up drugs. Sharing needles is the most dangerous behavior for putting you at risk of HIV infection.
Communicate with your partner. You do not have to have sex.
Choose activities other than sex to show affection: hugging, kissing, talking, massage.
Use a dental dam or other latex barrier for oral intercourse. A dental dam is a square piece of latex about five inches on each side, designed for use in dental surgery, and available at dental and medical supply stores. A latex condom, cut down the middle, or plastic wrap can also be effective.
Use a latex barrier like surgical gloves when stimulating a partner with your fingers, especially if you have even the smallest cut or rash on your hands.
Always use a condom if you have sexual intercourse with a man.

How Do I Learn To Like Myself?
Talking to someone is the best help that I found. It makes you feel less alone. Movies, books, and web sites are helpful when there's no one to ask about stuff or when you're feeling down or embarrassed to talk about something. I use a gay and lesbian chat room; it helps me find people to talk to.Red, Australia, age 20It helps to learn to look inside yourself and to see that the gay part of your personality exists together with, not separate from and not in spite of, all other parts of yourself. It helps to see how everything you do or are is somehow affected by your sexual orientation. I often look back on everything that's happened and cannot imagine not being gay.Jessie, New York, age 16Everyone needs to feel good about him/herself. All people are valuable. Developing self-esteem is very important for young people, and it can be difficult for gay and lesbian youth to feel good about themselves when many people around them believe that lesbians and gays are sick or perverted or destined to live unhappy lives. Feeling like you have to hide who you really are could make you feel like hurting yourself, taking senseless risks, using alcohol or other drugs, or attempting suicide. You may feel isolated, fearful, and depressed, especially if you've had no one to talk to about being lesbian. But, more and more young lesbians are learning to like themselves. You can find help by reading good books by and about lesbians - books with accurate information about lesbians who are leading fulfilling lives. Meeting other lesbians helps, too, because then you discover that lesbians are as diverse as any other group of people and that society is full of misinformation about lesbians. You can say to yourself every day, "I'm a lesbian and I'm okay." Find someone to talk to who also believes that lesbians are okay. Check out Advocates for Youth's web sites, http://www.youthresource.com/ and http://www.ambientejoven.org/. These web sites are developed by and for young lesbian and gay people. Over 15,000 young gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth visit the sites each month; many visit repeatedly. You will find a community of support. Remember that it's normal and natural to be lesbian, just like it's normal and natural to be heterosexual.

Whom Should I Tell?
When you feel confident, the best person to tell is the person that you believe will accept you and love you for who you are.Lenore, Oregon, age 16There's never a definitely good time to tell a person because telling does reconstruct someone s view of you, liberal or not. So, it's always a bit of a jolt to the person you inform. But, once you've gotten over that hump, then if they react positively, you re home free. It's when they turn cold and don't speak to you that you know they weren't your friends to begin with.Rayne, Pennsylvania, age 17Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a lesbian and figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation. A lot of people don't understand about lesbians, and it may be hard to know who will listen and be supportive. Some friends will accept you. Others may turn away from you or tell other people without your permission. Telling family can sometimes be difficult. Some families are highly supportive, and some are not. Start slow. Chose a friend your own age, a sibling, parent, or other adult, such as a guidance counselor, social worker in your school or in a local counseling or youth-serving agency. It's important to talk with someone you can trust because it's not normal or healthy for young people to have to keep secret such an important part of their lives.

How Can I Find Other Women Like Me?
I finally had the nerve to go to a GLBT youth group. I don't think I uttered even ten words for about a month. I was just in awe that there were people who felt just like me. It was a wonderful thing.Kristine, Michigan, age 16Make contact with local women's organizations, such as the National Organization for Women (NOW). Many colleges and universities have campus women's and gay and lesbian organizations. Check the phone book for a local hotline and ask local gay and lesbian organizations about gay and lesbian youth groups in your area. Look for a local gay and lesbian newspaper. Check with local bookstores, health food stores, and gay bars for copies.Adapted from a brochure from the Campaign to End Homophobia. Special thanks to Tsipporah Liebman.

YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEXUAL HEALTH INFORMATION & SERVICES.

Hot Action Down Under

By John Russell January 24, 2008
1st Asia Pacific Outgames scores in Melbourne

If you've been planning that big Australian vacay, now is the time to hop on a 15-hour flight - something cushy, with Direct TV and a fold-out bed - and breeze into Melbourne for the 1st Asia Pacific Outgames, taking place January 30 through February 3. New England may be in Old Man Winter's iron grip, but it's summertime down under, and queer athletes from all over the world are gathering for this monumental sporting event.

An off-shoot of the 2006 1st World Outgames in Montreal, Melbourne's tournament will feature 12 sports, chosen specifically for their strong presence in the city and Australia in general, with more than 1,000 athletes participating.

"After the amazing experience many Australians had in Montreal, there was the view that Australia could stage something, given our strong gay and lesbian sports community," says Peter Sagar, co-president of the Asia Pacific Outgames. From there, Melbourne Outgames Inc (MOI) was formed, and with support from Melbourne's community and the City of Melbourne Council the Asia Pacific Outgames took shape. The event combines Midsumma, Melbourne's annual gay and lesbian community and cultural festival, and Rainbow Conversations, a two-day GLBT human rights conference, along with the sporting tournaments.

"As the Outgames model involves sports, culture and human rights, it made a lot of sense to partner with Midsumma and Rainbow Conversations," Sagar says.
Also in keeping with that model, the Asia Pacific Outgames are open to all who want to participate, regardless of sexual orientation and with no qualifying standards to compete beyond age restrictions for certain events. Participants from India, the Philippines and Singapore will compete alongside those from as far away as the U.S. and Canada in badminton, squash, volleyball, dancesport, rowing and other competitions.

"The growth in the gay and lesbian sports movement is phenomenal," says Sagar. "It's great seeing so many hundreds of athletes coming from across the Asia Pacific region and indeed the rest of the world."

In the end, the Outgames are about more than just sports. Sagar hopes that this inaugural event will leave a lasting impression on the Asia Pacific region.
"We hope that there will be a legacy," he says, "Boosting participation in sport and strengthening our gay and lesbian sports clubs in general. We are a beacon of hope to our neighbors, especially in the Asia Pacific where so many inequalities still exist." •

DOES MADONNA STILL MATTER? (Entairtainment)

Of Madonna's multiple personalities, the least complex are the best known. But by now, the overly ambitious pop queen and the hands-off sex goddess have become as ho-hum as the insincere crooner of mid-'80s cheeseball ballads was grating.

The underappreciated but ultimately more influential Madonna has always been the multifaceted feminist of "Deeper and Deeper," "Papa Don't Preach" and especially "Like a Prayer," who can't control her own desires, doesn't need to control yours, and blames her parents for any faults she cares to admit ("Oh Father").
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POLO, THE SPORT OF QUEENS

Dan Woog April 02, 2008
Polo, the Sport of Queens
Maine Native Finds Home With Gay Polo League

Polo has been called “the sport of kings.” It’s now also the sport of queens.In Southern California, the Gay Polo League (GPL) is thriving. It doesn’t matter if you can’t tell a mallet’s head from its shaft, or even if you’ve never mounted a horse. All comers are welcome.At first glance, polo seems poles apart from gay life. One of the oldest horse sports in the world, it originated in China. It moved to India, where the British discovered it. Today it is primarily played by two types of people: professionals and their “patrons” (pronounced “patrones”), wealthy benefactors who sponsor pros in return for playing alongside them. In places like Argentina, where polo is particularly popular, it is considered a very macho sport.Polo is expensive. Games consist of six “chukkers” (periods), each seven and a half minutes long. Ponies run full tilt throughout each chukker, requiring a new one for each period. It costs $50,000 a year to care for, groom, and play six ponies. Multiply that by four players, add the care and maintenance of a grass field, and you’re talking at least $200,000 per team.But gay men find a way to get their hands on everything. Two years ago Chip McKenney, a lawyer working as chief operating officer of a broadcast design studio, wanted a way to meet other gay men outside of bars and gyms. He’d never played polo, but had been around horses ever since his childhood in Maine.“I realized polo could be a great activity for gay guys,” McKenney, 50, recalls. “There’s the camaraderie and social element of a team sport. Polo is played all over the world, so it involves travel. And it appeals to all ages and skill levels.”McKenney — who had never been on an organized sports team — contacted John Westley, resident coach at the Santa Barbara Polo and Racquet Club, who was enthusiastic. Soon, largely through word of mouth, nearly 40 players were learning the game, and loving it.The youngest is 26; the oldest, 54. Most had never ridden a horse before, though marketing guru and author (“Never Eat Alone”) Keith Ferruzzi played polo at Yale University.All are successful professionals. Many are in entertainment — hey, this “is” L.A. — while others are bankers and business executives. The common denominator is that they are “adventurous people interested in experiencing new and different things,” says McKenney.Despite polo’s elitist, manly image, coaches and members of three organizations — Santa Barbara; the California Polo Club in Los Angeles; and Indio’s El Dorado Polo Club, east of Palm Springs — have been extremely helpful. The California Polo Club has helped promote Wednesday “Gay Polo Nights.” Santa Barbara allows the gay players into its clubhouse, even though they are not members. All three groups help the GPL arrange games, and they welcome players’ partners.“If you’re an athlete, opponents respect you,” McKenney says. For example, “the California Polo Club has a Christian team. They think ‘the Christians versus the gays’ is hysterical.” However, he observes, “We haven’t competed at the highest level yet. That may be a problem. If it is, we’ll just have to outride and outplay whoever it is.”So how gay is gay polo? “Well, we have designer shirts!” laughs McKenney.Turning serious, he says, “As gay people, our lives are different, so we bring a different sensibility to everything we do. Some of our players are in polo for the social aspect, some for competition, but both groups mix easily. That’s different from straight polo, which is more about skill level and what you bring to the team.” //For more information, connect to www.gaypolo.org, or contact Chip McKenney: chip1957@aol.com.

CONVERSATION WITH QUEER ARAB ARTISTS FEED ME - by NADYALEC

A web of dreams.

I just got off the phone with a friend and after talking about her poetry I feel like I am in love; excited, smiling, flushed, ready. Hearing about her work and telling her about my work is one of the best medicines I know for grief and exhaustion, for stress, loneliness and isolation. In those moments of eager talk, as in the moments of reading, writing, and making love, I am my best self, more than the sum of my anxieties, larger than my usual self. It is one of the most beautiful things in the world; it is one of the reasons to keep on living.

I was thrilled to be asked to work on this magazine because I need it to exist. Like many queer Arabs I love stories. I find it difficult to sleep when more than one of us is in the same room; it is difficult to get off the phone once we get started. I've had nights of sleep deprivation, my body's exhaustion battling the need to express the thought triggered by her thought, a feedback loop of mutual inspiration. I have hungered for our stories; I have needed to hear about our lives. I love seeing us in the flesh, but being a creature of words I also need to see us in print. This magazine is about our stories; collecting our stories and celebrating our lives in all our complicated glory. I'm tired of reading through other people's books, searching for a stray glimpse or reference that reflects us; we deserve volumes. May this magazine be a book in an immense library, one contribution to a passionate conversation.

The first queer Arab woman I ever met was in a book. I was reading a book by an American feminist about women and terrorism; it was called something like the Demon Lover, I'm honestly not sure. The writer had been a member of a terrorist organization and wanted to write about the appeal of terrorist rhetoric for women. I picked up the book because it looked interesting it and was on sale, but I didn't find it terribly gripping. Then suddenly, in a chapter where the author described traveling around the Occupied Territories in Palestine with a translator, she met a woman who brought up a topic she had been told never to mention—lesbianism. I read eagerly as the woman spoke calmly about her life and its pleasures and difficulties. I still remember the low-key way that she compared her experiences as a lesbian in occupied Palestine to those of living as a lesbian in the U.S. when she was a student. She also had a beautifully simple way of dismissing the people who said that there was no such thing as an Arab lesbian. "I do not imagine me," she told the interviewer, and I read it years later and shivered. Yes. She does not imagine herself. And I do not imagine us either.

Three years ago, sitting in a room full of the first queer Arab women I ever met in the flesh, one of us brought up that phrase and told that story. Again I shivered, shocked by the sound of the words in the air; but this time I looked around me and saw that half of the people in the room were nodding. Many of us had read that book and we all remembered that phrase. I have a fantasy that that Palestinian lesbian will get ahold of this magazine, she will get access to the web through a job and find it on a web search during a break, or somebody will print it out and give it to her. I would love to see her write for a future issue. Whether or not she ever does, though, I am deeply thankful for the gift of her words, and these words are a gift back, to her and to the rest of us. Thank you for telling me that you are in the world, and I hope that you love these stories as much as I love them.

Participating in this community is a new thing for me. For most of my life I have lived in the US, and for the most part I grew up isolated not only from queer people, but also from Arabs. This has to do with the choices that my parents made when I was young and the choices that I made when I was older. It is not true of all of the contributors to this magazine; we are a diverse lot and I am glad of it. But that is my experience; the first true community of Arabs that I have known has been this community of queer Arab-world women and transexual men.

I've noticed a new thing with these friendships and this community, something that I have never experienced before, and that is the importance of dreams. It might have to do with the fact that some of my best beloveds, now, do not live on the same continent with me.
There are people who I love who I may never live to meet. In that context dreams are crucial.

Sometimes dreams are the only way for me to see these beloved faces in movement, to keep these friends in my daily life.

There is someone very dear to me, an Arab transexual man, who I met online while I was living in the U.S. and he was living in Bahrain. We've never been on the same continent and I don't know that we ever will be. At one point, around a year after I had begun a series of passionate phone conversations with him, I didn't hear from him for longer than usual and had the feeling that something was wrong. When he contacted me, he told me that he had just returned home from three days in the hospital. During that time he had vividly dreamed of me.

This broke my heart and filled me with awe. Broke my heart because I could not be with him when he was sick and in trouble; filled me with awe because I had been. Despite the geographical distance, despite the impossibility of doing something as basic and necessary as sitting next to his hospital bed and holding his hand, he had brought me with him into that room. It's difficult for me to even try to describe what this meant and continues to mean to me; all the hair on my body stands up still when I think of it. I couldn't be there with him, but through his dreams I was.

I was thinking of him when I decided that the first theme of this magazine would be a web of dreams; I was thinking about literal dreams, about their importance in crossing these literal distances, these oceans.

I was also thinking about another sort of dream. Dream meaning passionate desire, fought for with mind, body, soul and all other available resources; the political dreams, the deep hungers, the needs that unite us.

We are so different. I come up against that, we come up against that, over and over. We have different lives and different experiences; we have different languages and different ideals. Sometimes it seems that the main thing that unites us is the same thing that divides us, an intensity of emotion, frequent unwillingness to compromise, passion. Last summer I attended a gathering of queer Arab-world women and our loves, and I sometimes felt that I was drowning in intensity; it was almost too much, I was drowning in the eyes. None of us ever seem to blink when we are together, have you noticed that? We are carnivorous in our desire. For each other's company; beyond that for each other's recognition, approval, love. So many of us have deep loneliness from years of not being fully seen by the families we were born to and the families we have found. We need each other now; we need to see our reflections in each other's passionate eyes.

So this is a dream, this magazine. A dream, a hope, that wants to be a promise. A dream to draw in those who have never yet seen the words "I do not imagine me," who have never met another queer Arab woman, who struggle with the weight of so many words saying that we are impossible, mythological, a contradiction in terms, that we cannot exist. A dream to make those of us who grow tired and sad laugh suddenly, in surprise and delight, relief and recognition. A dream to continue the community that brave and hopeful women have already created through hard work, compassion, argument, love. A dream of more late-night conversations to leave us bleary-eyed but sated in the morning; a dream of more love affairs to unite physical and soul-felt passion; a dream of more deep-felt arguments; a dream of more. A web cast across oceans and distance and the synaptic gaps of different languages, ideas, cultures. Fragile as spider-silk and strong as anything in the world.

What We've Learned: What Makes Same-Sex Relationships Succeed or Fail?

Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues conducted a twelve-year study of same-sex couples to learn what makes same-sex relationships succeed or fail. The research demonstrates that all couple types—straight or gay—have many of the same problems and the same paths to staying happy together. But research has shown there are also some qualities of strength that are especially key to same-sex couples.

Unique emotional qualities of same-sex couples: strengths partners can capitalize on
Gay and lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. “When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” explains Gottman.
Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics. Gottman and his colleague, University of California at Berkeley Professor Robert Levenson, also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domination and fear with each other than straight couples do. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.

In a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one’s partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian partners’ positive comments have more impact on feeling good, while their negative comments are less likely to produce hurt feelings. “This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally,” observes Gottman.

Unhappy gay and lesbian couples tend to show low levels of “physiological arousal.” This is just the reverse for straight couples. For straights, physiological arousal signifies ongoing aggravation. The ongoing aroused state—including elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and jitteriness—means partners have trouble calming down in the face of conflict. Over time, this upset state erodes emotional connection as well as individual health. For gay and lesbian couples this lower level of arousal shows that they are able to soothe one another in the midst of conflict. Gay and lesbian differences—mostly gender differences—on emotional expressiveness.

In a fight, lesbians show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than conflicting gay men. This suggests that lesbians are more emotionally expressive—positively and negatively—than gay men. This result may be the effect of having two women in a relationship. Both have been raised in a society where expressiveness is more acceptable for women than for men, and it shows up in their relationships.

Gay men need to be especially careful to avoid negativity in conflict. When couples fight they use strategies to de-escalate or “repair” their relationship. Repair attempts reduce negative emotions by connecting over something more positive. When it comes to repair, however, gay couples differ from straight and lesbian couples. If the initiator of conflict in a gay relationship becomes too negative, his partner is not able to repair as effectively as lesbian or straight partners. “This suggests that gay men may need extra help to offset the impact of negative emotions that inevitably come along when couples fight,” explains Gottman..